Believe in me. Because I don't believe in anything

...and I want to be someone who believes.

Totally forgot my password so I haven't been able to post. Finally remembered it today :P
I had a bunch of things I was going to post about New Jersey but all that sticks with me is that it is pointless to have seat belts on airplanes, my parents look old and sad, it always rains when I go to the beach, and I don't find lying to be fun anymore.
I need to make some lifestyle changes because honestly as much as I bitch about being unhappy, I am pretty sure 95% of it is my fault. I mean I really don't do anything so in essence nothing ever changes. My car broke for good this time, obviously don't have the money to fix it and I doubt my parents can help me anymore because their house won't sell. So I'm thinking of trying to find another job, a real one with a salary and health benefits which will be hard without a degree but maybe I will get lucky.
I am not going to drink for awhile. One, because I can't afford it, and two because it only either makes me more depressed or unproductive. I don't really want to do it because I enjoy having a vice but I guess sometimes thats what being grown up is being about.
Actually, no I think thats primarily what being grown up is about. Its doing the things that you really don't want to do but know you have to do and pretending like you are happy about it. Especially once you've realized that you've totally fucked up your life and that this is all you have left to do and all anyone is ever going to tell you is that its your own damn fault, so you just smile.
I wish I could just write a fucking bestseller than I would never have to deal with disappointing people. But I have nothing happy to write about, and I honestly don't think anyone wants to read about a middle class white girl bitch for about 200 pages. It was so much easier to write when I was little when everything was potentially interesting and there was no pressure for it to be good or bad, it just was. Now I feel like if I don't write something good then really what is the point but then all the pressure to write something good makes me think all of my ideas are absolutely awful.
And now its time for babycats...



Bah.